Take what you want

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

I would like a raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

AMISH vs THE ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son:
“Go get your mother.”

So God agreed…..

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed…..

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed…….

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. ”You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

A job interview for a government institution

Some guy goes to a job interview for a Government Agency.
The recruiter asks: "Are you alergic to anything?", to which the guy replies:
"Yes, caffeine."

"Have you worked for other public services before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." the guy answers, "I was in Afghanistan twice."

The recruiter says: "This will offer you 5 points advantage in being selected for this post."

Then he asks, "Do you have any handicap?"
The guy says: "Yes. A landmine exploded near me when I was in Afghanistan and I lost both my testicles".

The job recruiter makes a grimace and then he says, "OK! You have sufficient points to be hired. The normal daily schedule is 8:00 to 16:00. But tomorrow you can begin at 12:00 - and you can also come to work everyday at 12:00"

The guy is confused and asks: "If the normal daily schedule is 8:00 to 16:00, then why do you want me to come at 12:00? I don't want any special treatment..."

The recruiter replies: "What you must understand is that this is a job for a government institution. Every day from 8:00 to 10:00 we drink our coffee, and then until about 12:00 we scratch our testicles... So it makes no sense for you to come here at 8:00 ..."

Three kings who have brought happiness & peace

Teacher: Can you tell the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives?
Student: Smo-king, Drin-king & Fuc-king!

Sir, I think that maybe someone wants to talk to you on the phone

"Forgive me, Sir, I think that maybe someone wants to talk to you on the phone."
"What do you mean, John, you think? Is there someone looking for me, or not?"
"Well, Sir, when I picked up the phone, the voice on the phone asked 'Is that you, you bald and silly old man?'"

The husband is waiting outside the beauty salon

The husband is waiting outside the beauty salon.
After a long while, his wife exists from the beauty salon.
He takes a long look at her, takes a deep breath, and says:
"Well, at least you tried!"

Tax audit at the sinagogue

A tax inspector arrives at a sinagogue for a tax audit. He looks at the account registers and tells to the Rabbi:
"Sir, your income is very low and the taxes you pay are also low. How do you manage to live with such low income?"
"Here we recycle EVERYTHING and we have very little expenses."
"Absolutely everything?"
"Everything."
"Even the wax-drops from the candles?"
"Yes, we collect them and we send them to a candle-factory, and from time to time they send us a candle."
"Okaaay... And you recycle also the breadcrumbs from lunch?" asks the inspector with irony...
"Yes. We collect them and we send them. From time to time we get back a bag of rusk biscuits."
"Good... How about the foreskin from circumcisions? You recycle that, too?"
"Yes. We collect them, we send them to the IRS, and from time to time they send as a little prick like you to check our books!"

We descend from monkeys

The priest is explaining to the Sunday school students:
− God created Adam from dust, and then he created Eve from Adam's rib.
− Father, says a student, my dad tells me that we descend from monkeys.
− Listen, says the priest, we are not interested in your family's genealogy. I was talking about the rest of the people...

My darling husband, I had a garage accident

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Your loving wife.
XXX

Two ghosts talking

Two ghosts talking. One of them asks the other: "Do you believe in humans?"

Vatican Press Release

Vatican Press Release:
"Be all Women informed that lying in bed, naked, entangled with somebody and screaming: *Oh my God* *Oh my God* *Oh my God* will NOT be considered PRAYING"

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse.
Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks,:
"How high up are we?"
"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"

Two irish ducks crossing the road

Two irish ducks crossing the road. The one at the back goes ”Quack, quack”.
The other one turns round and says, ”Fer facks sake, I’m going as quack as I can!”

Phone conversation with mother about wife

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. "You were perfectly right. "You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

The doctor said "You need to stop masturbating"

A man went to see his doctor.
"You need to stop masturbating", the doctor said.
The man asked, "Why?"
The doctor replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Suffering from diarrhea

If 4 out of 5 people "suffer" from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Prescription for cyanide

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Message from Osama bin Laden to George W. Bush

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."