My Addiction

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now
and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to
another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it
wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and
finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and
Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
"What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had
turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss
called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to
say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you
don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, "
I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much
as college professors, and college professors don't make any
money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to
cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I
stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a
PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran
up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was
closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me
that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering
for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy
thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize
that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never
miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational
video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences
about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life
just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.